OCBA Takes on
by David C. Anderson
2016-2017 OCBA President
An epidemic has been sweeping the land for years in the United States and throughout the world. It affects millions and shows no signs of slowing down. In fact, by the age of 35, two-thirds of American men experience some degree of this terrible problem and, by the age of 50, approximately 85 percent of men have been significantly affected by it. Approximately 25 percent of men who suffer from this condition begin the painful process before they reach the age of 21. More than 40 million American men are currently coping with this problem, and the medical and pharmaceutical industries have failed to effectively address it.
While billions of dollars have gone into research and development of a cure for this problem, none has been discovered. Adding insult to injury, the treatments developed to date are only marginally effective, if at all. One of the most popular treatments – joining special “clubs” that are “just for men” – appears to have little correlation with long-term relief. Despite the best efforts of constitutional originalists, powdered wigs have not resurfaced as a viable option for those suffering from this condition.
No medical insurer will even provide coverage for this condition. ABC News reported that more than $1 billion is collectively spent every year for treatment by sufferers. According to Mary-Fran Faraji, spokeswoman for Pharmacia Consumer Health Care in Peapac, N.J., affected men spend $800 million a year for transplant procedures. That’s because each transplant can cost from $3,000 to $20,000. Sufferers will spend some $60 million on vitamins and nutritional supplements in a bid to counteract the effects of this malady.
We are proud to announce that the OCBA is joining the fight against androgenetic alopecia. A survey of our membership illustrated that more than half of our membership currently suffers from this condition. I and other board members have had to personally deal with this condition for many years now. Members of our judiciary, such as Judge Alexander, retired Judge Mester and others, have also been affected.
But we are not alone. You may be shocked to learn that many famous people also suffer from this condition, but never mention it for fear of unfair discrimination and persecution. For example, Tom Hanks, Bruce Willis, Jude Law and even Prince William suffer from this condition. President Donald Trump may also be a victim (we’re not entirely sure). Singer/songwriter Paul Simon hasn’t taken off his baseball cap since 1986.
The stereotypes associated with this condition are pernicious. We are called cue balls, eggheads and Vin Diesels. Some people secretly use our heads as reflective surfaces. Many people stereotype us as aerodynamic. And Hollywood consistently uses this condition to signal evil. Think of Voldemort, Darth Vader, Gargamel, Dr. Evil, Mr. Burns, George Costanza, Ming the Merciless, the Red Skull, Elmer Fudd, Bane, Gollum, Howie Mandel and Lex Luthor. They all have one thing in common, and it isn’t taste in clothing.
The OCBA has put together a special task force to examine this cruel condition and devise a strategy for counteracting its effects. Vice President Jim Parks will lead the task force, along with Oakland County Bar Foundation President Kaveh Kashef and OCBA member Leif Anderson. While neither Kaveh nor Leif have been afflicted with this terrible malady, they have a keen sense of what life is like without it and will likely be able to provide some unique insight. Furthermore, Kaveh and the other foundation board members have graciously agreed to launch a new fundraising campaign to support this new OCBA initiative. They are calling it the “Hair-Raising Fundraiser.” More information will follow. In addition, our Medical-Legal Committee is working toward crafting some proposed legislation to present to Congress that would outlaw discrimination against those who are plagued by androgenetic alopecia. In fact, it’s safe to say that the OCBA is bringing all its resources to bear on this epidemic that has gone on for too long.
Together, we can rid the world of androgenetic alopecia or what is more widely known as common male pattern baldness.1 Enjoy April Fool’s Month.
1 Everything you’ve ever heard or read about bald men being more intelligent and virile is absolutely true, by the way. See e.g., “Shorn Scalps and Perceptions of Male Dominance,” Albert E. Mannes, The Wharton School, University of Pennsylvania.